They finally pulled the plug on me. First the cable goons came by and said I hadn’t paid the bill; guilty as charged—I pointed out that there never was anything on cable worth paying for. Then my old college lit professor came by and said I hadn’t read a book since Super Bowl XIV; guilty as charged—I barely resisted as he removed the three TV sets (and TV Guide) from my two-room apartment.
But they couldn’t stop me from camping out at the Sears video center for several weeks, enabling me to compile these highlights and lowlights from the maddening, maniacal world of sports broadcasting:
- Of Course, If the Redskins Finish 7-9, They Repossess Your House: Quarterback Mark Rypien is appearing in television ads for TrustBank Savings’ “Redskins CD,” in which the depositor gets a .05 percent bonus if the Redskins have a winning season, another .05 if they make the playoffs, an additional .05 if they reach the Super Bowl and a final .05 if they win the Super Bowl.
- And the Winner of the Latest Gary Bender Achievement-in-Sportscasting Award, Given to the Mammal or Mammal-Like Creature Most Ridiculously Impersonating a Network Sportscaster, Is…: NBC’s hysterical, histrionic Bob Trumpy. First he simply cut off partner Marv Albert during a 76-yard return of a blocked field goal by Buffalo’s Mark Kelso to provide his own play-by-play: “He can run. He can RUN!! HE CAN RUN!!! No! NO FLAGS!!!” Then, substituting for Albert on the John-John Molina-Tony Lopez fight, Trumpy intimated that the fan disturbance at the Sacramento, Calif., site would severely damage the city’s chances of getting an NFL franchise.
- George Michael Might’ve Done the Same Thing, but He Would’ve Given Glenn the Wrong City: When WUSA-TV-9’s Glenn Brenner was doing his Sept. 25 sportscast from Redskin Park, he couldn’t remember where the Toronto Blue Jays were playing that night. Off-camera, WJLA-TV-7 sportscaster Frank Herzog shouted to Brenner that the Blue Jays were playing in Detroit.
- Yeah, and If You’ve Got a Choice, Go With the Mute on Mike Warren’s Voice: Omnipresent Mike Warren—who claims to be the only football handicapper in America never to have had a losing season, with a 70 percent winning percentage over 21 years (sure, Mike)—on FNN’s sad-sack “Who Beat The Spread” gambling show: “If you’ve got a hunch, bet a bunch.”
- Still the Best, After All These Years: Teamed with Pat Summerall since 1981, John Madden appears to be having his greatest year yet as CBS’s No. 1 NFL analyst. His wit and wisdom remain fresh, funny and fascinating each week.
- Memo to Vince DeLisi: Write when you get work.
- Geez, We Gave Them the Vote in 1920, What Else Are They Gonna Want?: After years of no female sports reporters on local newscasts, Washington suddenly has two—Grace Lee on WUSA-TV-9 and Randi Hall on WRC-TV-4.
- The Thinking Being, Of Course, That We’ll Get the Impression ‘Inside’ Information Is Gathered Right Up to the Last Minute: When NBC’s “NFL Live” goes to commercial just before “The Insiders” segment, it often shows a live shot of insider Ralph Wiley on the set, talking on the telephone.
- Which Brings to Mind a Simple Question—Why Did It Take So Long?: Lyle Alzado was let go by NBC Sports after three weeks as an NFL analyst.
- Which Brings to Mind a Simple Question—Why?: Andrea Kremer is an ESPN reporter.
- The Two Most Chilling Words I Have Ever Heard in 30 Years of Washington Life—’You’re Next!’: In a town where sports radio is comatose, WMAL’s Ken Beatrice is the night of the living dead.
- How ‘Bout a 900 Number to Choose Frank Gifford’s Five Most Embarrassing Announcing Mistakes?: ABC’s ongoing 20th anniversary celebration for “Monday Night Football” is a large-scale irritant. If Hank Williams Jr.’s musical opening or the greatest plays in Monday night history don’t get to you, then Dan Dierdorf’s out-of-control analysis and Lynn Swann’s insipid halftime bits will.
- If You Were Stranded on a Desert Island and You Happened Upon One TV Set That Only Could Be Tuned to One Station—Meaning That You Could Only Watch One Local Sportscaster Each and Every Night Until the Rescue Helicopter Comes—Which Station Would You Choose?: Huh, that’s an interesting question. And here’s the answer—1) WUSA-TV-9’s Glenn Brenner; 2) WRC-TV-4’s George Michael; 3) Vacant; 4) Vacant; 5) Tie, WTTG-TV-5’s Steve Buckhantz and WJLA-TV-7’s Frank Herzog.
- And If We Had to Do It All Over Again…: WUSA-TV-9 Topper Shutt would be a sportscaster so we could write about him often because he has one of the greatest names in broadcasting history.
Around The Dial
The New Free Lunch: About 40 congressmen have received free TV sets as part of a lobbying campaign by broadcasters to stop the flow of sports to cable, trade weekly Electronic Media reported. The TV sets—black-and-white Sony Watchmans—are supposed to remind Congress of the need to protect advertiser-supported “free TV.” Among the lawmakers receiving the sets from the Association of Independent Television Stations was Sen. Howard Metzenbaum (D-Ohio), who will conduct hearings Tuesday in the Senate antitrust subcommittee on the movement of sports to cable. The TV sets retail for $87.88; regulations permit lawmakers to accept gifts valued up to $100.
Costas, Finally: Three years after starting his syndicated radio show, “Costas Coast-to-Coast,” Bob Costas finally hits Washington Sunday. WMAL-630 will carry Costas’s two-hour show Sunday nights at 9; D.C. was the only top-10 market not airing the program.
Gifford vs. Cosell: Frank Gifford, attacked by ex-ABC colleague Howard Cosell in Cosell’s book, “I Never Played The Game,” refers to Cosell as the “Teflon man” in the November issue of Gentleman’s Quarterly. “It’s really a pity, really, because at this point in his life Howard should be a revered elder statesman instead of an angry, old man,” Gifford told GQ. “I don’t understand the bitterness that came out of this guy against everyone who ever supported him and protected him—and I mean protected him—on every given Monday night. We had some great times; we shared many great things. I’m genuinely sad about it.”
Hoops? Already?: ESPN’s unconscionable 236-game NCAA basketball package begins Wednesday with a doubleheader from the first round of the much-unawaited Dodge NIT: Richmond at N.C. State (7:30 p.m.) and Ohio State at De Paul (9:30 p.m.).
— Norman Chad